First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for both kiddos

Both kiddos started preschool. Yes I felt all the feeling you would think of when you think of a mom sending her kids to school for the first time but I also felt crippled with guilt.

Guilt with why we made it to preschool when many don’t. Why Hudson gets to go and so many others are doing school from hospitals. Why I get to drop my kid off when other moms won’t ever get that chance.

The guilt got so overwhelming I almost didn’t even make a First Day post on Facebook.

This isn’t the first time I have felt this way, I have felt this guilt a lot when it comes to what Hudson gets to do.

Hudson is truly a miracle. Why did we get one and many other didn’t?

The first time I remember feeling this guilt was the day we found out Hudson could have surgery ti have his tumor removed. March 10th 2022. The day Rylan died. The first friend we lost. Then news came just hours after seeing Hudson’s scans. I felt so much guilt I almost didn’t even tell anyone about Hudson’s news that day.

I called my mom sobbing. Why does one child get good news and another die all in the same day?

Today felt so much like the emotions I had that day.

It’s called Survivors Guilt

It’s a real thing look it up.

This leads me to a conversation I had a few months ago with Rylans mom. When I told her how I had felt that day she told me NEVER to not post, Don’t hide anything. Your victories are our victories. We are in this together.

It talks about victories in the Bible. Which is not where I thought I was going with this but now the way I feel called to write.

Jesus is at the root of all of our victories. Big or small. Yes sometimes things hurt, you can still hurt In the good. You can still feel all the emotions In the good.

Just like ever mom that cries the first day of school (myself included) we cry because our babies are getting bigger. But it’s a good thing, they are growing, learning and thriving. But that doesn’t mean we don’t cry. All emotions are ok!

1 Corinthians‬ ‭15‬:‭57‬ ‭‬‬says “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
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In this verse and the verse before it, it is talking about our victory over death

(wow really putting faith in God on this one. This is 100% not where I was going with any of this but it’s working)

We won our battle over death, death where is your string?

That doesn’t mean the labor isn’t hard, (1 Corinthians 15:58) the victories we have our hard. The challenges we have our hard.

But once again, we can hurt in the happy.

I really hope this all made since. It didn’t go where I planned but never the less I think it made since and went with what I wanted to say

Thank you Lord for the words I typed, not my words but yours

I pray for a Safe, Happy and Healthy school year for everyone. And share your victories.