Today was the first day of school for both kiddos

Both kiddos started preschool. Yes I felt all the feeling you would think of when you think of a mom sending her kids to school for the first time but I also felt crippled with guilt.

Guilt with why we made it to preschool when many don’t. Why Hudson gets to go and so many others are doing school from hospitals. Why I get to drop my kid off when other moms won’t ever get that chance.

The guilt got so overwhelming I almost didn’t even make a First Day post on Facebook.

This isn’t the first time I have felt this way, I have felt this guilt a lot when it comes to what Hudson gets to do.

Hudson is truly a miracle. Why did we get one and many other didn’t?

The first time I remember feeling this guilt was the day we found out Hudson could have surgery ti have his tumor removed. March 10th 2022. The day Rylan died. The first friend we lost. Then news came just hours after seeing Hudson’s scans. I felt so much guilt I almost didn’t even tell anyone about Hudson’s news that day.

I called my mom sobbing. Why does one child get good news and another die all in the same day?

Today felt so much like the emotions I had that day.

It’s called Survivors Guilt

It’s a real thing look it up.

This leads me to a conversation I had a few months ago with Rylans mom. When I told her how I had felt that day she told me NEVER to not post, Don’t hide anything. Your victories are our victories. We are in this together.

It talks about victories in the Bible. Which is not where I thought I was going with this but now the way I feel called to write.

Jesus is at the root of all of our victories. Big or small. Yes sometimes things hurt, you can still hurt In the good. You can still feel all the emotions In the good.

Just like ever mom that cries the first day of school (myself included) we cry because our babies are getting bigger. But it’s a good thing, they are growing, learning and thriving. But that doesn’t mean we don’t cry. All emotions are ok!

1 Corinthians‬ ‭15‬:‭57‬ ‭‬‬says “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
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In this verse and the verse before it, it is talking about our victory over death

(wow really putting faith in God on this one. This is 100% not where I was going with any of this but it’s working)

We won our battle over death, death where is your string?

That doesn’t mean the labor isn’t hard, (1 Corinthians 15:58) the victories we have our hard. The challenges we have our hard.

But once again, we can hurt in the happy.

I really hope this all made since. It didn’t go where I planned but never the less I think it made since and went with what I wanted to say

Thank you Lord for the words I typed, not my words but yours

I pray for a Safe, Happy and Healthy school year for everyone. And share your victories.

Recently I started a new job at Webco Manor. I am working on getting my CNA license.

For those of you who know me or know my family more then likely know that Webco is next door neighbors to my Nana and Papas house. (It will always be their house. Even thought they are gone)

The first day I went I could see the house and the barn and nothing really effected me.

I knew it was there but there was no flood of memories or emotions like I thought there would be being that close to “home”

Until I took out the trash…

The barn light was on.

I remember leaving the light on so many time. getting in trouble so many times ti the point nana turned the breaker off so I couldn’t use the lights anymore. Especially the loft light.

The light I saw on is the room nana always used for baby chicks every year before they were big enough for the coop

This one little light, it isn’t even the bright

But it was enough to tell me Nana and Papa are with me

That God is with me.

It says in Deuteronomy‬ ‭31‬:‭8‬

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

God never leaves you. Just like the memories of those that have gone before us, that paved the way for us. Just like Jesus did.

No matter what is happing in your life. Look for the light. No matter how bright. It will always be shining somewhere for you 💡

So this past Sunday, my kids lost their great great grandpa, and today we had his funeral and laid him to rest.

When I came home my mom shared with me something she was told and I want to share it with you.

In John 11 it talks about the death of Lazarus and in verse 35 is where it says Jesus wept.

What was shared with my mom is Jesus didn’t wait for the death of his friend Jesus wept for knowing he would have to bring his friend back to this life.

You see Jesus knew he was going to bring Lazarus back to life 4 days after he passed however, he wept for the fact that he would have to bring him out of paradise to do so and back to this life

When we lose someone, the pain is unimaginable. I lost my Nana and Papa while I was in high school Nana two weeks before my 16th birthday and my papa January before I graduated my senior year

It hurts to know They’re not a phone call away when we need them. They aren’t going to share in the next life events with us and it’s one of the hardest things to get my daughter to understand.

But we can hold comfort in the fact that we will see them again someday, and Jesus knew that Lazarus his sisters would see him again someday, but he also knew he was going to bring him out of paradise back to this life, and he wept.

It’s OK to mourn it’s OK to weep. It’s OK to be sad to be hurt to be angry or whatever you might be feeling,

but challenge yourself to add happiness to that feeling to because will see them again someday in paradise in heaven with Jesus and the Lord.

For the last couple of days, I have been listening to this song. Its one of my favorite Christmas songs but it wasn’t until the other day I realized that I understand.

Mary was having a child out of wedlock. That would have been all anyone would have seen about her, she also would have been around the age of 15.

I know all of those feels, 17, pregnant, unwed. It’s always so many emotions.

After listening to this song I know how Mary felt when Gabriel appeared to her. We would have had all of the same emotions. From terrified of the future to knowing it was God’s plan.

She would have had the same fears, not knowing if everything would be ok, she most likely didn’t know what she was suppose to do. A mother’s instinct is to keep your baby healthy. I get the not knowing, I get the fear, I even get the incredible joy she felt at first sight.

Also in the song, it asks “Did you know?” There is no possible way mary could have to know all the amazing things that Jesus was going to do, even when thinking with “Mother’s Vision” You can dream big for your children but no way she could have guessed what his life would do for the world.

How many times have we all had those thoughts and then what happens is so much different than we ever thought?

More times than I can count that’s for sure.

Luke 1:26-38 is the story of Mary and Gabriel if you want to give it a read.

So this holiday season I want to encourage you to really listen to this song, I will leave a link for you and also remember that One Unplanned pregnancy saved us all

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifCWN5pJGIEthe

It’s only Wednesday and I have been to the Emergency room twice this week for myself.

Strep ✅

Pneumonia ✅

Ruptured Ovarian Cyst + multiple intact cysts on each ovary ✅

Pneumonia induced swollen lymphatic system (cause everyone to this you have appendicitis)✅

So it’s not an understatement when I say I’m pretty sick and I’m pain this week.

First trip to the ER I did alone, todays trip I drove myself up there but I was in go much pain that they needed to give me strong pain meds I wouldn’t be able to drive myself home.

Rickie to the rescue. He came and sat in the ER with me, got my loaded in his car, pulled over for me to puke (several times 😞) on the way home, and picked up my prescriptions.

No where is he required to do ANY of this. Yet he did. And I’m sure he would again if I need him to.

He helps me carry my burdens. Which sounds weird when you are talking about sickness but that is still a burden.

In the Bible it says “Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”– Galatians 6:2

God calls us to carry one another’s burdens

Now does that mean you should sit in the ER with everyone you know?

Probably not

But that’s doesn’t mean you can’t check in in the people you know, take dinners to people, adopts families during the holidays, operation Christmas child, offering, paying for someone meal in the drive thru, donating to a cause, send encouragement, ask people how you can pray for them, and so many more ways.

All of these help carry someone’s burden, because you never know what someone is going through that day or that season

Which also makes this the perfect time of year to start with it being the Christmas season!

So I challenge you give it a “trial run”.

There are 10 days until Christmas (not counting today since it’s 8:30pm)

Find a way everyday for the next 10 days to try to carry someone’s burden

Bonus points if each day is different 😉

I am so sorry it’s been over a month since I posted a blog 😬 life got in the way but here we go!

Today My mom, myself and both babies did a little shopping just because we could. We ended up a thrift store in town and the babies loved it. All the toys were there favorite.

Yes I was letting them walk away from me to look at toys. One time the both got out of my eye site. Mom went and found them and it was as we were leaving.

We go to check out and the lady behind the counter goes “if you get hurt you’ll have to go to the hospital” to P. Her face hit a panic and my mom saw my face go blank. She immediately turns to the lady and goes “please don’t say that. For us Hospitals have trauma. Hudosn has cancer”

Her response was “I’m sorry” then looks at P and says “guess you’ll have to get sewed up instead if you get hurt”

Yes I snapped and said “not any better” mom left the store with both babies. I finished checking out and we left.

When did it become ok to say anything to a child like that. What’s wrong with “you might get hurt if you ____” or “you would hate to get an owie”

Even got a “normal” kids saying you’ll go to the hospital if you get hurt could terrify them. Let alone a family with medical trauma.

You never know what someone has gone through and some words hit people differently than other.

Now yes I know we live in American and offending someone is inevitable, but when’s it’s like this instance that’s was a choice to say things that way.

God talks so much about watching our tongue and the power of tongue in the Bible.

Psalm 12:18 says “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Our words have the power to do so many things, both harmful and helpful.

We have to be mindful of our words and think about them carefully before we speak.

We all fall short in this category but that’s why God is here to help guide our tongues.

So watch your words, think them through, you never know what kind of pain they could cause someone

One day on the way to school with my mom when I was a kid there was a squirrel what couldn’t decided what to do. It started to cross the street, then stopped, then last minute tried to cross the street. At the point it was to late and we hit him.

My mom said “the squirrel was indecisive. Don’t be like that squirrel”

My mom reminds me of the story about any time we see a squirrel cross the street.

While driving through Arkansas I hit a squirrel, because it could decide what ti do and tried to cross last minute.

If either of these squirrels has trusted there choices, neither one would have been hit by our cars.

Sometimes we are like theses squirrels. We can’t decide what to do or we don’t trust what has been placed in front of us and try to do things “last minute”

If we trust God in our lives. We don’t run the risk of “being hit by a car” like the squirrels.

It is so hard to trust God some days. Especially when life is so unpredictable.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

God says to trust him and he will make sure our paths is straight.

That’s doesn’t mean we won’t struggle but he will keep us from “being hit by a car”

Halloween is the only holiday that hasn’t been tainted.

Let me explain.

We starting our cancer journey on Nov 15th when we found the tumor and life flighted to St.Louis.

We spent thanksgiving in St.Louis Children’s Hospital.

On Christmas we were inpatient at St.Jude

New Years we spent at Target House with a low ANC which he ended ho being admitted the next day.

Valentine’s Day we spent in clinic finning our second cycle of Chemotherapy.

St.Patrick’s Day we ended up have a break day from the hospital and spent it at the zoo. But still in Memphis away from Family

Easter he got a really bad line infection that cost him is port. ended up being admitted on Easter and receiving 2 procedures that week to remove the port and place a PICC

Penelopi’s birthday (May 23rd) even thought we got to come home for her party we had to go back home to Memphis on her birthday

Hudson’s birthday (June 5th) spent inpatient because of low ANC

July 4th was the last night we spent in Memphis before coming home.

The week before Labor Day weekend (not the physical day) was our first follow up back in Memphis.

The only holiday left is Halloween. Untouched by cancer, and we plan to make the most of it!

But at the same time I think of the families that don’t have any holidays that’s aren’t tainted by cancer, those that have been fighting for a while, just starting, or no longer get to have holidays with their child.

It’s once again is a reminder about how precious time and life is. And how everything is planned by God ahead of time. He knew how Hudson’s Journey would fall. He know there would be “one holiday left standing”

Psalm 118:24 says “This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it”

All days are created by God, Holiday or not. We shall rejoice and celebrate the days no matter if we are together, apart or if the memories are tainted.

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

I am going to start this off saying if you struggle with hearing others mental illness or talking about PTSD. Best not to read this one.

Wednesday morning the kids and I slept in late. So I woke up to 5 mentioned tags on a Facebook post. A little girl from the next town over was diagnosed with Leukemia.

At the time I didn’t think much of it other than sending a message to her parents telling them how sorry I am, that we are family now, and the reach out if they need anything or just someone to talk to.

Rolled back over and went back to sleep tell my kids got up

Then later I received a text for a lady I know very well. Telling me all about the girl, her family, her school, all the major details of her life.

I started crying, then crying turned into a panic, then I struggled to breathe, I couldn’t stand, I was sitting in the kitchen floor. Alone. Having a panic.

I called me dad sobbing because I didn’t know what was happening or what to do

My dad had seen the Facebook post, saying “She is going to Memphis, That’s a good thing!” “God has got her” “Trying going outside and screaming”

It felt like that night at Cox when they told me about Hudson’s tumor. like my whole body gave out.

I was able to calm down, 100% because of my dad ❤️ but still had a bunch of emotions I didn’t know what to do with.

So I took the anger out on hamburger meat for tacos and then made cookies 😂 It kept me busy.

The next day the same lady that text me, we talked on the phone. She is the one who pointed out that’s PTSD, and another Cancer mom asked me if I had started seeing a therapist yet.

Honestly I knew both my kids had trauma from the past year in their own ways, but it never accrued to me that I would too

But saying that my head is screaming “Idiot, of course you would. Your whole world broke and changed. You have trauma”

I have been so focused on other things I never took time to see that pieces of me have been chipped. Of course I would have trauma, how could anyone that goes through childhood cancer not?

As I’m writing this it seems like I’m stating the obvious but I would have never seen the obvious without it being pointed out to me.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5‬:‭7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

God wants yours anxiety, your fear, your pain, your hurt, your depression, your guilt, your fill in the blank.

He cares for you

He loves you

He is there for you

He wants to help you.

Even during the panic, the pain, the “flash backs”

God is still there. God wants to help you

But God won’t be offended by the need for a therapist 😊

Otherwise he would call people to that career

So get the help you need.

No matter what. God will be there. 🖤

When you go to a WIC evaluation, they give you a sticker with your kids name, date, height and weight from that appointment.

Tonight I found a sticker dated November 15th 2021 with Hudson’s name on it

You see I forgot until I found the sticker that we had a WIC appointment the morning everything changed.

An appointment that seemed like a check off a list to get through, now the sticker from it shows as a reminder of where he was on that day. On what all happened that day.

Weight in at 19lbs and 2oz. Measuring 31 & 1/8 inches tall.

A boy that when those measurements were done. We knew something was happening. but had no clue what would happen that day.

Life changes on a moments notice. One moment, stats as a check list item to get out WIC benefits. To 2 hours later getting the call that he wouldn’t wake up and heading to the ER.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

God knew what would happen that day. God knew what would and will happen every day a after that.

What seemed like moments notice to me. God knew before Hudson was ever born. Heck before I was ever born.

It was no surprise to him.

Nothing is on a moments notice for him